So I was talking to someone at work today and something clicked in my head when he said to me "we're trying to see if you have the drive..." I kinda felt like of course I have the drive, why else would I be here. But then I realized that I haven't really shown that drive in a while. I haven't really been extra motivated to stay late or finish up some work or even do other work that wasn't exactly required of me.
This isn't the way I wanted to kick off my first year in Corporate America. So.... on june 4 2008 or 11 months since I started. I'm going to kick it back into high gear and see if I can turn things around...
-R
Wednesday, June 4, 2008
Friday, May 16, 2008
The First Steps
So, I'm beginning to realize that I may have to take some concrete steps in order to mediate this people pleasing issue. I mean its not so much an issue as its a concern that it could potentially be dangerous/harmful.
So yall remember how I'm doing this on the side music project (i mean i'm just doin the website) that's supposed to blow up big time like youtube. I'm not 100% sure that I have time to do it. I mean I've been "doing" it since graduation. And my "doing" i mean sometimes i put in work other times i don't. And i think the people who are really dedicated to making it happen are looking for me to put in more work than i've been doing. Plus i kinda promise and never deliver.
Don't you just hate that. But check this, i think i'm more so trying to please people on the promise rather than being completely honest about the timeframe. more importnatnly i think i don't really have time for it at all. Sounds weird, cuz i'm really not doing anything else, besides work, but i'm realizing that that's a lot in itself. So I seriously contemplating letting them know i can't be on the project anymore....uuugghhh my other achilles heel...disappointing people....damn son. but on the real i'd rather tell them now then right before it blows up and they require much more outta me.
I guess the only other thing is that I kinda wanted to still be connected so if it did blow up i could benefit. maybe that's selfish. not so much for wanting to be in on it, but more so for wanting to be in on it, but not giving it the time it desires. I think that's where the lesson to be learned resides. If I can't give this project the time it deserves, which I can't, then I shouldn't be apart of it. Cuz anything less will look badly on me and will probably strain my free time, as it already has.
Thus said. I'ma have a call tonight and some unfortunate news will surface. But yall got the pre-release to the press ya feel me.
on another note, while i'm already in this train of thought (so i guess it isn't on another note), frits......yeah.....so....gonna have to say no, to that site....yeah i know....sorry....maybe she'll read this and i wont have to muster up the courage to tell her to her face. well over the phone. ahhh i know..i'll do it thru txt...man that blows. ok fine, given that she prolly wont read this till a month from now if even that. I'll send her a txt saying we needa talk about the joint. ya feel me...
baby steps cuz i'm taking baby steps,
-R. Learner
p.s. in other news....i'm waiting on that sprint instinct to drop (why am i still a sprint customer...i really don't know)
P.P.s. that's not me in that pic walking...some random black baby
So yall remember how I'm doing this on the side music project (i mean i'm just doin the website) that's supposed to blow up big time like youtube. I'm not 100% sure that I have time to do it. I mean I've been "doing" it since graduation. And my "doing" i mean sometimes i put in work other times i don't. And i think the people who are really dedicated to making it happen are looking for me to put in more work than i've been doing. Plus i kinda promise and never deliver.
Don't you just hate that. But check this, i think i'm more so trying to please people on the promise rather than being completely honest about the timeframe. more importnatnly i think i don't really have time for it at all. Sounds weird, cuz i'm really not doing anything else, besides work, but i'm realizing that that's a lot in itself. So I seriously contemplating letting them know i can't be on the project anymore....uuugghhh my other achilles heel...disappointing people....damn son. but on the real i'd rather tell them now then right before it blows up and they require much more outta me.
I guess the only other thing is that I kinda wanted to still be connected so if it did blow up i could benefit. maybe that's selfish. not so much for wanting to be in on it, but more so for wanting to be in on it, but not giving it the time it desires. I think that's where the lesson to be learned resides. If I can't give this project the time it deserves, which I can't, then I shouldn't be apart of it. Cuz anything less will look badly on me and will probably strain my free time, as it already has.
Thus said. I'ma have a call tonight and some unfortunate news will surface. But yall got the pre-release to the press ya feel me.
on another note, while i'm already in this train of thought (so i guess it isn't on another note), frits......yeah.....so....gonna have to say no, to that site....yeah i know....sorry....maybe she'll read this and i wont have to muster up the courage to tell her to her face. well over the phone. ahhh i know..i'll do it thru txt...man that blows. ok fine, given that she prolly wont read this till a month from now if even that. I'll send her a txt saying we needa talk about the joint. ya feel me...
baby steps cuz i'm taking baby steps,
-R. Learner
p.s. in other news....i'm waiting on that sprint instinct to drop (why am i still a sprint customer...i really don't know)
P.P.s. that's not me in that pic walking...some random black baby
Thursday, May 15, 2008
Learning Lessons…
So, in my last post, yesterday or last week….actually it was more than a month ago, I talked about how I was crazy hyped to see the schemes that God has cooked up for me to learn from and to increase my wisdom and knowledge. And now with hindsight I’m not as excited. I’m kinda like dag yo, forreal God this is how I gotta learn. was this absolutely necessary. I mean you’re all powerful and everything so maybe you could have taught me through a book or a tv show or simply through osmosis, but I guess I wouldn’t have listened unless it affected my life huh. man I really needa change that otherwise I’ll always be learning from the my own experiences. that’s kinda wack. I wanna learn the easy way.
Anyway, I realize some things about my person. This body that I inhabit for the time being. besides the fact that there is this og negro on the inside rattling his cage screamin and hollerin to be let out. there is also this dude who feels he has to please everybody. like foreal I genuinenily want people to be happy and what not. now to a degree, this isn’t a bad quality at all, however when that want/desire to please overrides other priorites…it kills.
like fixing peoples computers in the middle of the night because they lost their final papers and are going to fail their class without it, but yet I’m working on my final paper where I’ll be failing regardless, unless a miracle happens.
or like being an org whore and doing mad stuff/slack work that others didn’t do just for the betterment of the org and the community only to sacrifice my personal studies or work and suffer the consequences of all-nighters and rockstars
however it happens. it a constant theme in tha kids play. and because its something I do so naturally its hard for me to pinpoint it in the act, but one thing I’ve noticed is that my involvement in activities and “saying no” to things is coming up again. at the nell that was a big part of my experience, learning to say no to too many activities and toomany “real quick favors” etc. and now as I’m working and in the real world I have similar issues in a different arena.
one thing I’m trying to do is stop volunteering to be the savior, which is hard for me, cuz anytime someone is like “if only we had some sort of way to communicate over the internet like a website or something” I want rip off my shirt showing my computer costume underneath and save the day by building a site.
oh the days wheni just used to say no. to everything as a premise before even hearing the question. have now dwindled as the days of people implying they need my help and me wanted to rescue them from their plight are coming so much more often.
people pleasing is dangerous, I suggest everyone just be jerks and then when you’re nice to something they’ll be like oh wow I didn’t expect that. and they will since never expect it so u wont be caught in binds later on when they ask you to please other people. they just wont ask cuz they’ll be like nah. he’s not that kinda person. or nah he’s a jerk….
what have I really learned?
Anyway, I realize some things about my person. This body that I inhabit for the time being. besides the fact that there is this og negro on the inside rattling his cage screamin and hollerin to be let out. there is also this dude who feels he has to please everybody. like foreal I genuinenily want people to be happy and what not. now to a degree, this isn’t a bad quality at all, however when that want/desire to please overrides other priorites…it kills.
like fixing peoples computers in the middle of the night because they lost their final papers and are going to fail their class without it, but yet I’m working on my final paper where I’ll be failing regardless, unless a miracle happens.
or like being an org whore and doing mad stuff/slack work that others didn’t do just for the betterment of the org and the community only to sacrifice my personal studies or work and suffer the consequences of all-nighters and rockstars
however it happens. it a constant theme in tha kids play. and because its something I do so naturally its hard for me to pinpoint it in the act, but one thing I’ve noticed is that my involvement in activities and “saying no” to things is coming up again. at the nell that was a big part of my experience, learning to say no to too many activities and toomany “real quick favors” etc. and now as I’m working and in the real world I have similar issues in a different arena.
one thing I’m trying to do is stop volunteering to be the savior, which is hard for me, cuz anytime someone is like “if only we had some sort of way to communicate over the internet like a website or something” I want rip off my shirt showing my computer costume underneath and save the day by building a site.
oh the days wheni just used to say no. to everything as a premise before even hearing the question. have now dwindled as the days of people implying they need my help and me wanted to rescue them from their plight are coming so much more often.
people pleasing is dangerous, I suggest everyone just be jerks and then when you’re nice to something they’ll be like oh wow I didn’t expect that. and they will since never expect it so u wont be caught in binds later on when they ask you to please other people. they just wont ask cuz they’ll be like nah. he’s not that kinda person. or nah he’s a jerk….
what have I really learned?
Sunday, March 30, 2008
Another Year wit 'em
Hello Blog! Long time no speak. So I'll update ya on some thangs thats going on in the life of the blessed kidd, brother to the holy son, also son of the heavenly dad, and close wit the messenger-the spirit. We allmad kewl. Be chillin together on weekends and what not. But letme tell you how they stay moving in my life.
The burfday times was crazy hot. My friends at work threw me a surprise gathering after work, which they accidentally sent me the outlook invite for....(lol its kewl mooreas). And then when I went up to Ithaca, my shorty Jay threw me a surprise gathering in Ujamaa wit a few friends, which I kinda knew something was up when I saw young Harris's car in the loading dock after I spoke to him and he was like 'I'm at home. Just gon chill the whole night, not gon do much.' But its kewl, I was still surprised by all of the engagements cuz it really shows that ppl care about you. It's kinda hot.
Plus Jay got me some hot books to read. So I gotta get my spiritual game up, cuz they Jesus books. Plus I'm still reading other joints so I gotta get my intelligent game up. So all in all big moves is in the plan.
Its funny too, cuz lately a lot of ppl been asking me how I'm doing, prolly cuz I'm seeing/talking to ppl I haven't been in contact wit in a while, but my constant response is always 'Man....I'm great. God loves me OD.' And its so true. I am so enamored wit the fact that God is who He is. And like John R. said if He don't o another thing for me I would still love Hi just because He is. Me and Mike was crazy fascinated by that complete, concise and yet so complex statement: God is.
I mean, my God is. Its kinda crazy to think about. There are so many ways to add to that entnce t be more specific, but even then you can't capture it all like God is. I think though I've come across something to end that with to d to it but not really dilute it. Like God is Amazing, kind, loving, etc. They are all goo additions but they don't hit it. What I like most now is......God is God.
That kinda completes it for me. He is God. Alive, working, blessing, loving, seeking, saving, etc.
If someone were to as me now how have I've been. I'd say because of Him I've been. Cuz the question is how have you been and the how is God.
But really though, I excited for the future and His plans for me. I can see him smiling and cookin up the ill schemes to teach me and I'm crazy hype to learn.
Happy day of birth,
tha kidd
The burfday times was crazy hot. My friends at work threw me a surprise gathering after work, which they accidentally sent me the outlook invite for....(lol its kewl mooreas). And then when I went up to Ithaca, my shorty Jay threw me a surprise gathering in Ujamaa wit a few friends, which I kinda knew something was up when I saw young Harris's car in the loading dock after I spoke to him and he was like 'I'm at home. Just gon chill the whole night, not gon do much.' But its kewl, I was still surprised by all of the engagements cuz it really shows that ppl care about you. It's kinda hot.
Plus Jay got me some hot books to read. So I gotta get my spiritual game up, cuz they Jesus books. Plus I'm still reading other joints so I gotta get my intelligent game up. So all in all big moves is in the plan.
Its funny too, cuz lately a lot of ppl been asking me how I'm doing, prolly cuz I'm seeing/talking to ppl I haven't been in contact wit in a while, but my constant response is always 'Man....I'm great. God loves me OD.' And its so true. I am so enamored wit the fact that God is who He is. And like John R. said if He don't o another thing for me I would still love Hi just because He is. Me and Mike was crazy fascinated by that complete, concise and yet so complex statement: God is.
I mean, my God is. Its kinda crazy to think about. There are so many ways to add to that entnce t be more specific, but even then you can't capture it all like God is. I think though I've come across something to end that with to d to it but not really dilute it. Like God is Amazing, kind, loving, etc. They are all goo additions but they don't hit it. What I like most now is......God is God.
That kinda completes it for me. He is God. Alive, working, blessing, loving, seeking, saving, etc.
If someone were to as me now how have I've been. I'd say because of Him I've been. Cuz the question is how have you been and the how is God.
But really though, I excited for the future and His plans for me. I can see him smiling and cookin up the ill schemes to teach me and I'm crazy hype to learn.
Happy day of birth,
tha kidd
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Consistency
Habits can be formed with consist and frequent actions. So I'm trying to do just that and come that form of spiritual actualization I was talking about last week.
I went to a bible study at this church in CT. And at first I wasn't really feeling the message. I mean it was good and all but it didn't seem revitalizing or refreshing. And I didn't to leave cuz I called in to make sure the bible study was still happening and ended speaking to the pastor who holds it. And of course had I got up he would've seen me and probably said something. So I stayed. And by the end of it I wasn't at all disappointed. Nothing miraculous happened or nothing from the surface really changed. I just kind of adjusted my attitude towards it and began to accept it for what it was: bible study.
So I plan to begin to form good spiritual habits by going again tomorrow.
In other news....(kinda abrupt right, yeah I know) My boy nate dawg sent me a little gift yesterday. And actually Mike B. ruined the surprise but nonetheless I didn't know the details. But he sent me this spiritual journal. It's one of those books you write in daily and end of reading the entire bible in one year.
Man these things always scared me. I just look at reading books in general as a task and now the bible. It's got like a bagillion pages. But last night I convinced myself to do it. And I packed my bible, the journal, and a pen in my work bag (the jack bauer pullover...except mines says NSBE) and went to sleep fixed on doing my first journal entry on my bus ride to work.
Sadly, I didn't. I convinced myself out of it cuz I said I was tired and needed to sleep cuz I haven't been getting good rest. Yall know me I can sleep at anytime, anywhere, without hesitation. But guess who couldn't fall asleep on the bus this morning.
So while my eyes were closed and not falling asleep I was like that's not fair God, you know I can't read anyway. Why burden me with so much to do while on this bus? I even went on to justify not reading by thinking i was already half-way into my bus ride from pretending to sleep for 15mins. So I shouldn't read cuz i wont finish....
Oh yall gon have to pray for me on this one. Its gon be hard, but I know I gotta start somewhere and start small. So hopefully tomorrow will be a different story
peace
I went to a bible study at this church in CT. And at first I wasn't really feeling the message. I mean it was good and all but it didn't seem revitalizing or refreshing. And I didn't to leave cuz I called in to make sure the bible study was still happening and ended speaking to the pastor who holds it. And of course had I got up he would've seen me and probably said something. So I stayed. And by the end of it I wasn't at all disappointed. Nothing miraculous happened or nothing from the surface really changed. I just kind of adjusted my attitude towards it and began to accept it for what it was: bible study.
So I plan to begin to form good spiritual habits by going again tomorrow.
In other news....(kinda abrupt right, yeah I know) My boy nate dawg sent me a little gift yesterday. And actually Mike B. ruined the surprise but nonetheless I didn't know the details. But he sent me this spiritual journal. It's one of those books you write in daily and end of reading the entire bible in one year.
Man these things always scared me. I just look at reading books in general as a task and now the bible. It's got like a bagillion pages. But last night I convinced myself to do it. And I packed my bible, the journal, and a pen in my work bag (the jack bauer pullover...except mines says NSBE) and went to sleep fixed on doing my first journal entry on my bus ride to work.
Sadly, I didn't. I convinced myself out of it cuz I said I was tired and needed to sleep cuz I haven't been getting good rest. Yall know me I can sleep at anytime, anywhere, without hesitation. But guess who couldn't fall asleep on the bus this morning.
So while my eyes were closed and not falling asleep I was like that's not fair God, you know I can't read anyway. Why burden me with so much to do while on this bus? I even went on to justify not reading by thinking i was already half-way into my bus ride from pretending to sleep for 15mins. So I shouldn't read cuz i wont finish....
Oh yall gon have to pray for me on this one. Its gon be hard, but I know I gotta start somewhere and start small. So hopefully tomorrow will be a different story
peace
Tuesday, January 1, 2008
There's more work to be done...
So a short but much needed post after a long hiatus. Maintaining this blog has been somewhat of a challenge for me (unbeknownst to the reader). So I am charging myself to post more frequently as the days come.
The New Year...
No resolutions here, no yearly projections on matters that could have been resolved yesterday. Today like no other day is no different than the last or the first for that matter. But in that I coincidentally post on the day that poetically everyone would like to hear the New Year's resolution to post more frequently. So I shall not mock resolutions for fear of hypocritcally condemning myself to the same shame for this mere act of happenstance. Instead, I'll just comply...
Spiritual Actualization. If this even means anything of psychologcial substance. I want to promote spiritual actualization. Similar to that of realizing one's potential. I want to "realize" the spirit within me. Although, paradoxically, the phrase spiritual actualization denotes a phsycial more logical understanding of this spirit. I actually want to have a more metaphysical, mysterious (if you will) understanding of this spirit.
No longer do I want to rationalize the decisions and directions this spirit leads me, but rather I want to decrease myself so that I can hear exactly what it is God is telling me.
So I am charging myself to produce and nurture new soil and fertile ground for God to plant new trees of knowledge in my life. Cuz, the ground now is a little too saturated with me and my thoughts. I'm not starting fresh, but I am adding a new garden from which to grow new trees. I want the God in me to take over me and allow me to become a child of Him.
God Bless.
The New Year...
No resolutions here, no yearly projections on matters that could have been resolved yesterday. Today like no other day is no different than the last or the first for that matter. But in that I coincidentally post on the day that poetically everyone would like to hear the New Year's resolution to post more frequently. So I shall not mock resolutions for fear of hypocritcally condemning myself to the same shame for this mere act of happenstance. Instead, I'll just comply...
Spiritual Actualization. If this even means anything of psychologcial substance. I want to promote spiritual actualization. Similar to that of realizing one's potential. I want to "realize" the spirit within me. Although, paradoxically, the phrase spiritual actualization denotes a phsycial more logical understanding of this spirit. I actually want to have a more metaphysical, mysterious (if you will) understanding of this spirit.
No longer do I want to rationalize the decisions and directions this spirit leads me, but rather I want to decrease myself so that I can hear exactly what it is God is telling me.
So I am charging myself to produce and nurture new soil and fertile ground for God to plant new trees of knowledge in my life. Cuz, the ground now is a little too saturated with me and my thoughts. I'm not starting fresh, but I am adding a new garden from which to grow new trees. I want the God in me to take over me and allow me to become a child of Him.
God Bless.
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